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(评分4-3-3)OG P356 essay

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发表于 2018-7-13 08:09:22 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
 In this passage,“Forward to Arctic National Wildlife Refuge: Seasons of Life and Land”, former President Jimmy Carter voices his strong positionagainstusing the Refuge for industrial purposes, oil exploration to be more specific.His argument’s power and persuasiveness mainly rests onhis manifest logic and superior skills of diction.
  Instead of highlightingthe harms oil drilling can bring to the Arctic, Mr. Carter focuses the readeron the originalbeauties of the landscape that he is resolved to safeguard, tomake us want to protect the natural beauties. The passage starts with a briefnarration of the National Wildlife Refuge and depicts it as a kingdom foranimals,“where polar bears and caribou give birth, tothe towering Brooks Range where Dall sheep cling to cliffs and wolves howl inthe midnight sun”. In this way, the readers’imaginationis clearly understandable. Closely following is a more of his personalexperience and firsthand encounter of the wonderful land when he tells not onlyabout the diversified fauna but the vast range of flora, such as wildflowers,mosses and the lichens.
  After such sample islaid, Mr. Carter goes on to reveal his thesis: he would be“saddened to think of the tragedy that might occur if thisgreatwilderness was consumed” by oil industry which“wouldforever destroy the wilderness character of America’sonly Arctic Refuge and disturb countless numbers ofanimals that depend on this northernmost terrestrial ecosystem”. Theargument is very assertive, and few would defy this point. Thenhe connect to history to make further back his standpoint.“The extraordinary wilderness and wildlife values of the ArcticRefuge have long been recognized by both Republican and Democratic presidents”,and support is not confined within the circle of statesmen but is from thegeneral public, the American people, the poor people, and even the aboriginal“Gwich’ in Athabascan Indians of Alaska andCanada” whose culture grows out of this particularlandscape play a part in making their voice heard, it called equal rights..
   At the end of the passage,President Carter summarizes his point and retell theinvaluable benefits ofpreserving the Arctic Wildlife Refuge: in doing so, people aresaving not onlythe“national heritage, a remnant of frontier America”but aresaving and endowing the greatest gift for future generationsand is thus“a grandtriumph for America”.
  Besides theeasytofollow philosophy behind the abovementioned parts, JimmyCarter’s masteryof diction contributes enormously to the persuasiveness of the argument as well. Long sentences prevail in this essay which meansthat muchweight is carried in each sentence. Complicated structures lend thewriter muchconvenience in putting in more information and adjectives toreinforce his viewpoint. For instance, when describingthe beautiful scenery of the Refuge, picturesquemodifiers such as“towering Brooks Range”, “brilliant mosaic of wildflowers”, “atimeless quality”, “neversettingsun”, “those shaggy survivors”.The poetic beauty of the language is also made possible bythe use of onomatopoetic words, which is extremelypowerful in describing wild animals, such as the “wolves howl in the midnight sun”, and thetundra became flooded with life “ with the sounds of grunting animals and clicking hooves filling theair”.


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发表于 2018-7-13 08:11:40 | 显示全部楼层
 In this passage,“Forward to Arctic National Wildlife Refuge: Seasons of Life and Land”, former President Jimmy Carter voices his strong position againstusing the Refuge for industrial purposes, oil exploration to be more specific.His argument’s power and persuasiveness mainly rests onhis manifest logic and superior skills of diction. 首段最好直接点明主体段落的三个分析视角,以引出下文。
  Instead of highlightingthe harms oil drilling can bring to the Arctic, Mr. Carter focuses the readeron the original beauties of the landscape that he is resolved to safeguard, to make us want(rendering us) to protect the natural beauties. Thepassage starts with a brief narration of the National Wildlife Refuge anddepicts it as a kingdom for animals,“where polar bears and caribou give birth,to the towering Brooks Range where Dall sheep cling to cliffs and wolves howlin the midnight sun”. In this way, the readers’imagination isclearly understandable.(,evoking the readers to appreciate the wonder of beauty) Closely following is a more of(删去) his personalexperience and firsthand encounter(表意重复,删去) of the wonderful land when he tells notonly about the diversified fauna but the vast range of flora, such aswildflowers, mosses and the lichens.
主体段落一的首句要直接点明personalexperience这个evidence分析
  After such sample islaid, Mr. Carter goes on to reveal his thesis: he would be“saddened to think of the tragedy that might occur if this great wildernesswas consumed” by oil industry which“would foreverdestroy the wilderness character (删去)of America’s only Arctic Refuge and disturb countless numbers of animals that depend on this northernmost terrestrialecosystem”. The argument is very assertive, and fewwould defy this point. Then he connect to history to make further back hisstandpoint.“The extraordinary wilderness and wildlifevalues of the Arctic Refuge have long been recognized by both Republican andDemocratic presidents”, and support is not confined within the circle ofstatesmen but is from the general public, the American people, the poor people,and even the aboriginal“Gwich’in Athabascan Indians of Alaska and Canada” whoseculture grows out of this particular landscape play a part in making theirvoice heard, itcalled equal rights..本段末句句式杂糅,需要断句。且主体段落二的分析视角不是很清晰,貌似还是在延续主体段落一,需要另起一个视角,比如appeal to ethos这样的persuasive element
   At the end of thepassage, President Carter summarizes his point and retell the invaluablebenefits of preserving the Arctic Wildlife Refuge: in doing so,(删去) people are saving not only the“national heritage, a remnant of frontierAmerica”but aresaving and(删去) endowing the greatest gift for future generations and isthus“agrand triumph for America”.
  Besides the easy-to-follow(作为定语,需要连接符) philosophy behind the above mentionedparts, Jimmy Carter’s mastery of diction contributes enormously to thepersuasiveness of the argumentas well. Long sentences prevail in this essay which means that much weight iscarried in each sentence. Complicated structures lend the writer much conveniencein putting in more information and adjectives to reinforce his viewpoint. Forinstance, when describing the beautiful scenery of the Refuge, picturesque modifiers such as“toweringBrooks Range”, “brilliant mosaicof wildflowers”, “a timeless quality”, “never-setting sun(需要连接符), “those shaggy survivors”.The poetic beauty of the language is also made possible by the use of onomatopoetic words, which is extremely powerful in describing wildanimals, such as the “wolveshowl in the midnight sun”, and the tundra becameflooded with life “ with thesounds of grunting animals and clicking hooves filling the air”.这些措辞起到什么作用,即跟主旨的关系及如何影响读者并没有说明。

文章缺乏结尾段总结上文的三个分析视角
阅读:4分;分析:3分;写作:3

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