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(评分3-3-3)作文 - OG - P356 - Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

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发表于 2018-7-13 01:13:39 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
       The ArcticNational Wildlife Refuge is famous for its wilderness. There have been proposals ofdeveloping industry in the Arctic Refuge. President Jimmy Carter utilizesanecdote, word choice, and examples to oppose to the idea of industrializationin the Arctic Refuge- he believes that the Arctic Refuge should be kept out ofthe development of industry.
       Carter begins with his personalexperience, in the second and third paragraph, he describes his experience as,“The dramatic procession of the Porcupine caribou herd was a once-in-a-lifetimewildlife spectacle. We understand firsthand why some have described this specialbirthplace as ‘American’s Serengeti’.” By drawing in his audience with theanecdote, Carter not only evokes the wonder of natural beauty of the ArcticRefuge among his audience but also implies that the Arctic Refuge should bekept pure and natural.
       To further builds his argument, Carteradopts precise word choice. As in paragraph four, Carter uses the word “tragedy”to emphasize that the consequences of bringing industry into the Arctic Refuge willbe terrible. Next, Carter chooses “forever destroy” to show that once theindustrial facilities were built, the Arctic Refuge will be destroyed not temporarilybut permanently. By choosing these words, Carter rouses his reader’s sympathy andgive emotional weight to his audience, thus persuading his audience to oppose tothe idea of industrialization of the Arctic Refuge.
        Inorder to make his argument more trustworthy, Carter broadens his claim with examples.The presentation of the historical example- “In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhowerestablished the original 8.9 million-acre Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to preserveits unique wildlife, wilderness and recreational values.”-adds intensity andcredibility to his argument. Carter, once again, introduces an example inparagraph six. By presenting the example of Gwich’in Athabascan Indians of Alaskaand Canada which the aboriginal people succeeded in fighting to protect their landfrom developing industry. With these examples, Carter makes his argument more convincingand appeals to the audience’s emotion, therefore reinforces his central claimthat the industrialization should not be brought into the Arctic Refuge.
       Throughout the passage, Carter bakes uphis central claim that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge should be excludedfrom the development of industry and kept natural with anecdote, word choice,and examples.

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发表于 2018-7-13 15:34:39 | 显示全部楼层
The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is famous for its wilderness. There have been proposals of developing industry in the Arctic Refuge. (前两句没有任何关联)President Jimmy Carter utilizes personal anecdote, elaborate word choice, and concrete examples to oppose to the idea of(删去) industrialization in the Arctic Refuge- he believes that the Arctic Refuge should be kept out of the development of industry.
       Carter begins with his personal experience in the second and third paragraph, he describes his experience as,(by describing)“The dramatic procession of the Porcupine caribou herd was a once-in-a-lifetime wildlife spectacle. We understand firsthand why some have described this specialbirthplace as ‘American’s Serengeti’(直接引用过长,删除或paraphrase).” By drawing in his audience with the anecdote(具体什么经历一直没有交代), Carter not only evokes the wonder of natural beauty of the Arctic Refuge among his audience but also implies that the Arctic Refuge should be kept pure and natural. 个人经历还有什么作用,套话要摆上,否则字数不足。
       To further builds his argument, Carter adopts precise word choice(words with strong negative connotation). As in paragraph four, Carter uses the word “tragedy”to emphasize that the consequences of bringing industry into the Arctic Refuge will be terrible. ( 一个词就一句话就带过了,分析不足。比如唤起读者的恐慌之情等等)Next, Carter chooses “forever destroy” to show that once the industrial facilities were built, the Arctic Refuge will be destroyed not temporarily but permanently. By choosing these words, Carter rouses his reader’s sympathy and give emotional weight to his audience, thus persuading his audience to oppose to the idea of industrialization of the Arctic Refuge. 所选词语不够具有代表性,文章还有不少生动的用词,比如冲击力很强的once-in-a-lifetime,都适合深入分析。
        In order to make his argument more trustworthy, Carter broadens his claim with examples.(过渡的不错!)The presentation of the historical example- “In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhowerestablished the original 8.9 million-acre Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to preserveits unique wildlife, wilderness and recreational values.”-adds intensity and credibility to his argument. Carter, once again, introduces an example in paragraph six. By presenting the example of Gwich’in Athabascan Indians of Alaskaand Canada which the aboriginal people succeeded in fighting to protect their landfrom developing industry. With these examples, Carter makes his argument more convincing and appeals to the audience’s emotion, therefore reinforces(reinforcing) his central claim that the industrialization should not be brought into the Arctic Refuge.
       Throughout the passage, Carter bakes(backs) up his central claim that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge should be excluded from the development of industry and kept natural with anecdote, word choice,and examples. (末段用语与首段相同,句式缺乏多样性,比如可以换成historical evidence)

全文341个词,字数严重不足。阅读:3分;分析:3分;写作:3分

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