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(评分3-3-3)作文-OG-P356-Seasons of Life and Land

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发表于 2018-1-9 03:22:35 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
  Asthe time goes by, technologies and industries fill every place on the earthrapidly. The author, Jimmy Carter, writes”Seasons of Life and Land”in order todemonstrate his opinion that the Arctic National Wildlife refuge should not bedeveloped for industry through his personal anecdotes, historical example andstatistic figures.

  Tostart with the passage, in a convincing, logical and attractive way, PresidentJimmy Carter employs his own stories. “There was a timeless……toward the BeautortSea.”describes specific scene of the beauty of the regions of the Artic Refuge.Words such as “timeless”, “never-setting sun” and “braided” vividly show thatthe brightness of the region and the river water flows into the sea. By readingthrough these details, the audience could make their own imaginations about theland without any industries. Also, the author makes his article easier tounderstand for people who have not seen things like what he sees before. Inaddition, the author provides an amazing and shocking phenomenon, “We had hopedto…with their newborn Calves.” By writing about this unusual scene, the authorprovides the audience an wonderful natural behavior of an animal. The readerscould get the point of the beauty of nature. In order to go deeper and make aconnection between himself and the audience, Carter utilizes his thought, “Iwas saddened to…drilling rigs and industrial facilities.” Through this interestingdescription of the author’s thinking, readers could make a deeper picture basedon the previous imagination of the land. “saddened” and “tragedy” express astrong emotion of sadness and concern, which supports his point with a heartfeltquestion.

  Inorder to make the article more convincing, the author chooses a historicalexample, “In 1960…and recreational values.” The author supports his point ofview by practicing the establishment of President Eisenhower. Because of thistrue historical establishment, the readers could realize not only now, but alsoin the past, people have already payed attention to Arctic Refuge protection.By making this quotation of the previous president, the author makes a great connectionbetween past and present, which also helps the article become more logical.

  Lastly,the author makes use of the statistic figures to make the article more scientifically.“At best, … each day.” By providing a specific range, the reader could directlyget the productivity of the Refuge. “At best”illustrates a meaning of limitation,which tells the audience Arctic Refuge can not satisfy the demand of people’sdemand. This statistic figure is also an example of the “short-term” economicproblem, the author mentions in the article, which helps the reader clarify thedefinition of it. By employing this statistic figure, the articlescientifically and objectively helps the readers understand the author’s subsequentpoint that we have to look beyond a short-term effect.

  Throughthe personal anecdotes, historical example, and statistic figure, the articlehas been made more logical and convincing. The author cleverly states andsupports his point that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge should not bedeveloped for industry through these three ways.

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发表于 2018-1-9 10:23:08 | 显示全部楼层
As the time goes by, technologies and industries fill every place on the earthrapidly. The author, Jimmy Carter, writes”Seasons of Life and Land”in order to demonstrate his opinion that the Arctic National Wildlife refuge should not bedeveloped for industry through his personal anecdotes, historical example and statistic figures.

  To start with the passage, in a convincing, logical and attractive way, President Jimmy Carter employs his own stories(最好标识在文章的哪个位置,什么经历提前概括好放在首句,后面再具体解释). “There was a timeless……toward the BeautortSea.”describes specific scene of the beauty of the regions of the Artic Refuge.Words such as “timeless”, “never-setting sun” and “braided” vividly show that the brightness of the region and the river water flows into the sea. By reading through these details, the audience could make their own imaginations about the land without any industries. Also, the author makes his article easier to understand for people who have not seen things like what he sees before. In addition, the author provides an amazing and shocking phenomenon, “We had hoped to…with their newborn Calves.” (此处引用太空泛,体现不出amazing and shocking,可部分引用或者用自己的语言总结个人经历)By writing about this unusual scene, the author provides the audience an wonderful natural behavior of an animal. The readers could get the point of the beauty of nature. In order to go deeper and make a connection between himself and the audience, Carter utilizes his thought, “I was saddened to…drilling rigs and industrial facilities.” Through this interesting description of the author’s thinking, readers could make a deeper picture based on the previous imagination of the land. “saddened” and “tragedy” express a strong emotion of sadness and concern, which supports his point with a heartfelt question.如何揭示主旨,保护生态不予以开发这个最关键的话没有提到。

  In order to make the article more convincing, the author chooses a historical example, “In 1960…and recreational values.” (自己总结是什么历史例子,而不是空泛提出)The author supports his point of view by practicing the establishment of President Eisenhower. Because of this true historical establishment, the readers could realize not only now, but also in the past, people have already payed(paid) attention to Arctic Refuge protection.By making this quotation of the previous president, the author makes a great connection between past and present, which also helps the article become more logical.

  Lastly,the author makes use of the statistic figures to make the article more scientifically.“At best, … each day.” By providing a specific range, the reader could directly get the productivity of the Refuge. “At best”illustrates a meaning of limitation,which tells the audience Arctic Refuge can not satisfy the demand of people’sdemand. This statistic figure is also an example of the “short-term” economic problem, the author mentions in the article, which helps the reader clarify the definition of it. By employing this statistic figure, the article scientifically and objectively helps the readers understand the author’s subsequentpoint that we have to look beyond a short-term effect.

  Throughthe personal anecdotes, historical example, and statistic figure, the articlehas been made more logical and convincing. The author cleverly states andsupports his point that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge should not bedeveloped for industry through these three ways.

字数偏少,457个词。主体段落二和三论述太空泛,而且三个主体段落都是围绕证据展开,分析角度太单一,导致主体段落二的历史例子两句话就结束了,建议换成reasoing,或者修辞手法contrast, mataphor等分析。其实你的第一个主体段落可以分成个人经历和修辞两个主体段落,而不必全挤在一块儿,导致后面文字太贫乏。另外,建议引用的时候不要用省略号,直接摘抄其中你觉得好的文字部分即可,也就是部分引用。三个主体段落与主旨什么关系都没有提及。句式缺乏多样性。
阅读:3分;分析:3分;写作:3分

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