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(评分3-2-2)-新SAT方法班写作讲义(170801版)p13-Let there……

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发表于 2017-12-24 00:07:29 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
Natural darkness is an element that should be preserved,        as supported by the article “Let There be Darkness” by Paul Bogard. The author goes on to state devastating results that can be lead to devastating results that be lead to with the abstinence of light, such as health issues, ecosystem disruption, and personal influence. He then draws a picture in the reader’s mind to show how light really is today.
Sleeping orders, diabetes, obesity, cardiovascular disease and depression are all problems link to what the author considers the main cause, “long light”. By supporting his statement, he describes the findings of the World Health Organization,that compares working the night shift as a probable human carcinogen.  Bodies need darkness to produce the hormone melatonin, which keeps certain cancers from developing, and our bodies need darkness for sleep. The author concludes this idea by stating a solution, where one can lessen the risk for artificial light by keeping electronics away from bed.
The author points out that animals from across the world needs darkness as well. He provides examples such as crepuscular species of birds, insects, mammals, fish and reptiles. To emphasize the important of these animals to the ecosystem and us humans, he provides statistical data. Bats saves farmers billions in pest control and moths pollinate 80% of the world’s flora. Concluding the paragraph, the author provides information as a simile, stating that light pollution is like a bulldozer of the night.
The author introduces the idea of personal influence by describing the benefits, including solitude, quietness, stillness, and short supply.  He points out that darkness is what inspired artists like Van Gogh to paint his famous “Starry Night”. What could be considered the night without darkness? The author concludes the paragraph by showing that darkness has inspired us all.
It is not too late to save our world from light, as according to Paul Bogard. It is “readily within our abilities to solve” and many cities and town across the world is working to solve this problem, offering dramatic possibilities for controlling waste light. The author ends the passage which re-addresses the problem that people must recognize the beauty of the darkness before that are aware of the takeover of the artificial light.



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发表于 2017-12-24 13:42:53 | 显示全部楼层
Natural darkness is an element that should be preserved(该主旨表述过于简单),        as supported by the article “Let There be Darkness” by Paul Bogard. The author goes on to state devastating results that can be lead to devastating results that be lead to with the abstinence of light,(重复,删除) such as health issues, ecosystem disruption, and personal influence. He then draws a picture in the reader’s mind to show how light really is today.(表述或文章理解有误)

Sleeping orders, diabetes, obesity, cardiovascular disease and depression are all problems (此处须添加which) link to what the author considers the main cause, “long light”. By supporting his statement, he describes the findings of the World Health Organization,that(which) compares working the night shift as a probable human carcinogen.  Bodies need darkness to produce the hormone melatonin, which keeps certain cancers from developing, and our bodies need darkness for sleep. The author concludes this idea by stating a solution, where(whereby) one can lessen the risk for artificial light by keeping electronics away from bed.
此段中心句是什么,属于哪个分析角度并没有点明,而且后面也没有分析,只是在概括文章信息。
The author points out that animals from across the world needs darkness as well. He provides examples such as crepuscular species of birds, insects, mammals, fish and reptiles. To emphasize the important of these animals to the ecosystem and us humans, he provides statistical data. Bats saves farmers billions in pest control and moths pollinate 80% of the world’s flora. Concluding the paragraph, the author provides information as a simile, stating that light pollution is like a bulldozer of the night.
此段问题同上,要交代证据层面还是文章脉络分论点层面的分析,然后点明这些语言与作者主旨有何关联,段末的修辞属于另一个层面的分析,需要另起一段。
The author introduces the idea of personal influence by describing the benefits, including solitude, quietness, stillness, and short supply.  He points out that darkness is what inspired artists like Van Gogh to paint his famous “Starry Night”. What could be considered the night without darkness? The author concludes the paragraph by showing that darkness has inspired us all.
此段也只是在概括分论点三的信息,并没有分析作用何在。
It is not too late to save our world from light, as according to Paul Bogard. It is “readily within our abilities to solve” and many cities and town across the world is working to solve this problem, offering dramatic possibilities for controlling waste(wasted) light. The author ends the passage which re-addresses the problem that people must recognize the beauty of the darkness before that(指代什么?) are aware of the takeover of the artificial light.

全文373个词,字数偏少。缺乏写作的结构意识,首段要交代主旨及你的分析角度,第二段展开论述第一个分论点,以此类推。每个主体段落首句应该是中心句,而不是直接堆砌证据。需要根据范文重新修改。
阅读:3分;分析:2分;写作:2分

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