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(评分3-3-3)2016年5月真题作文-Viewpoint- Air-conditioning ……

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发表于 2016-12-21 19:04:05 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
This magazine article “Viewpoint: Air-conditioning will be the end of us”, written by Eric Klinenberg, published on July 23, 2013, the author mainly introduces an ignorable argument about the usage of air-conditioning. Klinenberg suggests, with stylistic language, reasoning and persuasive elements such as diction associated with negative connotations and the usage of AC, that Americans need to greatly reduce their reliance or air-conditioning.

            Eric Klinenberg utilizes various types of stylistic language to persuade his audience to reduce the usage of AC. IN the introduction paragraph, he stated that “Today Americans use twice as much energy for air-conditioning as we did 20 years ago”. This statement powerfully introduces the main reason beneath this article, that using AC is depleting energy on earth, meanwhile, raising awareness of this issue among the public. At the same time, this sentence subtly leads the audience to consider today’s energy crisis and consequential global warming; thus, indirectly warns the readers about disadvantages of overusing AC. Moreover, the author uses metaphor to further emphasize his viewpoint. He indicates a common phenomenon in the US nowadays, which is “store pumping arctic air out onto the searing sidewalk in an attempt to lure customers while burning through fossil fuel in suicidal fashion”. The metaphor of air-conditioning air versus arctic air, criticized such commercial strategies. In addition, the word “fossil fuel” once again reminds the readers about the energy crisis, pollution. Especially when it is adjacent to “arctic” in a sentence, people can easily link to their common sense that burning fossil fuel is related to the melting ice in Arctic, which is extremely environmentally damaging. Overall, the author utilizes stylistic language to persuade people to reduce using AC.

            In addition to stylistic language, the author applies logical reasoning in his article to emphasize his viewpoint that overusing air-conditioning is generally not promotable. In the second and third paragraph, he started with praising the advantages of using AC by listing several benefits, such as “save the live of old, sick, and frail people” and “enhance productivity” to give credit to the positive aspects of using AC. However, he shifts his focus to emphasize the disadvantages of using AC in the rest of his passage. The smooth transition illustrates Klinenberg’s main point, that “air-conditioning is made of hot air”. After discussing the disadvantages in the conclusion, the author appeals to fear that people should act “before it’s too late.” The author appears to be acknowledged about all the positive aspects; however, still suggesting that disadvantages outweigh the advantages in order to make a powerful argument.

            The author not only uses logical reasoning, but also diction associated with negative connotation for the purpose of solidifying his argument that Americans should reduce the reliance on air-conditioning. Word like “indefensible” indicates that the habit of overusing AC is not favorable for the environment. Also the phrase of “rely entirely on AC” is strengthening the importance of his issue. More importantly, the contrast between indoor air, which is “frigid” and outdoor, which is “the steamiest” plays an important role in reinforcing the whole argument. It manipulates the audience’s mind into thinking about the waste of energy, persuades the crowd to consider the negative effects of this dramatic difference, and purposefully warns the audience about the potential danger that could be associated with such human activity.

            To summarize, the author utilizes stylistic language, logical reasoning, and diction associated with negative connotations to convince his readers that Americans should greatly reduce the reliance on air-conditioning. The proposed idea is explained as environmentally friendly and socially beneficial in a long-term perspective. This article aims at leading the readers into reflecting, or better still, acting upon this issue of reducing usage of air-conditioning.
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发表于 2016-12-21 21:06:46 | 显示全部楼层
  
This magazine  article “Viewpoint: Air-conditioning will be the end of us”, written by Eric  Klinenberg, published on July 23, 2013, the author mainly introduces an  ignorable argument about the usage of air-conditioning. Klinenberg suggests,  with stylistic language, reasoning and persuasive elements such as diction  associated with negative connotations and the usage of AC, that Americans  need to greatly reduce their reliance or air-conditioning.(宾语从句中间不要用插入语)(diction可以合并到修辞手法中去分析)首句很啰嗦,点明作者的观点即可。
  
             Eric Klinenberg utilizes various  types of stylistic language to persuade his audience to reduce the usage of  AC. IN the introduction paragraph, he stated that “Today Americans use twice  as much energy for air-conditioning as we did 20 years ago”. (这属于证据中的列举数据,不是修辞手法)This statement powerfully introduces  the main reason beneath this article, that using AC is depleting energy on  earth, meanwhile, raising awareness of this issue among the public. At the  same time, this sentence subtly leads the audience to consider today’s energy  crisis and consequential global warming; thus, indirectly warns, warning the readers  about disadvantages of overusing AC. Moreover, the author uses metaphor to  further emphasize his viewpoint. He indicates a common phenomenon in the US  nowadays, which is “store pumping arctic air out onto the searing sidewalk in  an attempt to lure customers while burning through fossil fuel in suicidal  fashion”. The metaphor of air-conditioning air versus arctic air, criticized(主语是谁?) such commercial strategies. (没有深入分析什么效果,只是点明了修辞手法)In addition, the word “fossil fuel”  once again reminds the readers aboutof the energy  crisis, pollution. Especially when it is adjacent to “arctic” in a sentence,  people can easily link to their common sense that burning fossil fuel is  related to the melting ice in Arctic, which is extremely environmentally  damaging. Overall, the author utilizes stylistic language to persuade people  to reduce using AC.
  
主体段落一作为最重要的分析段落,内部却不够丰满,更多是在堆砌。建议选取最有代表性的分析。或者直接从最明显的证据的角度入手。
  
             In addition to stylistic  language, the author applies logical reasoning in his article to emphasize  his viewpoint that overusing air-conditioning is generally not promotable. In  the second and third paragraph, he started with praising the advantages of  using AC by listing several benefits, such as “save the live of old, sick,  and frail people” and “enhance productivity” to give credit to the positive  aspects of using AC. However, he shifts his focus to emphasize the  disadvantages of using AC in the rest of his passage. The smooth transition  illustrates Klinenberg’s main point, that “air-conditioning is made of hot  air”. After discussing the disadvantages in the conclusion, the author  appeals to fear that people should act “before it’s too late.” The author  appears to be acknowledgedknowledgable about all the  positive aspects; however, still suggesting that disadvantages outweigh the  advantages in order to make a powerful argument.(分号后面必须是完整的主谓宾结构)
  
             The author not only uses logical  reasoning, but also diction associated with negative connotation for the  purpose of solidifying his argument that Americans should reduce the reliance  on air-conditioning. Word like “indefensible” indicates that the habit of  overusing AC is not favorable for the environment. (所举例子不够充分)Also the phrase of “rely entirely on AC”  is strengthening the importance of his issue. More importantly, the contrast  between indoor air, which is “frigid” and outdoor, which is “the steamiest”  plays an important role in reinforcing the whole argument. It manipulates the  audience’s mind into thinking about the waste of energy, persuades the crowd  to consider the negative effects of this dramatic difference, and  purposefully warns the audience about the potential danger that could be  associated with such human activity.
  
             To summarize, the author  utilizes stylistic language, logical reasoning, and diction associated with  negative connotations to convince his readers that Americans should greatly  reduce the reliance on air-conditioning. The proposed idea is explained as  environmentally-friendly and  socially-beneficial in a long-term perspective.  (语言需简练,否则不如删去)This article aims at leading the readers  into reflecting, or better still, acting upon this issue of reducing usage of  air-conditioning.
  
  
阅读:3分;分析:3分;写作:3  作文修改后再发过来



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 楼主| 发表于 2016-12-22 12:15:27 | 显示全部楼层
The magazine article “Viewpoint: Air-conditioning will be the end of us”, is written by Eric Klinenberg, published on July 23, 2013. The author mainly introduces an ignorable argument about the usage of air-conditioning. Klinenberg suggests that Americans need to greatly reduce their reliance or air-conditioning. The use of stylistic language, statistic data, and logical reasoning strengthens his stance on this issue.

Eric Klinenberg utilizes various type of stylistic language to persuade his audience to reduce the usage of AC. The author uses metaphor to further emphasize his viewpoint. He indicates a common phenomenon in the US nowadays, which is “store pumping arctic air out onto the searing sidewalk in an attempt to lure customers while burning through fossil fuel in suicidal fashion”. Through the use of metaphor of air-conditioning air versus arctic air, the author criticized such commercial strategies as “suicidal”. In addition, the word “fossil fuel” once again reminds the readers about the energy crisis, pollution and unsustainability. Especially when it is adjacent to “arctic” in a sentence, people can easily link to their common sense that the burning fossil fuel is largely responsible for the melting ice in Arctic. Such environmentally damaging phenomenon is caused by overusing of AC touches the readers’ heartstrings. The author not only uses literary devices, but also diction for the purpose of solidifying his argument. The contrast between indoor air, which is “frigid” and outdoor, which is “the steamiest” plays an important role in reinforcing the whole argument. It manipulates the audience’s mind into thinking about the waste of energy, persuades the crowd to consider the negative effects of this dramatic difference, and purposefully warns the audience about the potential danger that could be associated with such human activity. Overall, the author utilizes multiple stylistic language to persuade people to reduce using AC.

The author applies logical reasoning in his article to emphasize his viewpoint that overusing air-conditioning is generally not promotable. In the second and third paragraph, he started with praising of the advantages of using AC by listing several benefits, such as “save the live of old, sick, and frail people” and “enhance productivity” to give credit to the positive aspects of using AC. However, through the smooth transition that “air-conditioning is made of hot air”, he shifts the focus to emphasize the disastrous disadvantages of using AC in the rest of his passage. After discussing the disadvantages in the conclusion, the author appeals to emotion-fear- that people should act “before it’s too late.” In general, the author appears to be knowledgeable about all the positive aspects; however, he is still suggesting that disadvantages outweigh the advantages in the cause of using AC and depleting energy.

        In addition to logical reasoning, the author provides the readers statistic data to support his argument that Americans need to greatly reduce the use of air-conditioning.  In the introduction paragraph, he stated that “Today Americans use twice as much energy for air-conditioning as we did 20 years ago”. This statement powerfully introduces the main reason beneath this article, that using AC is depleting energy on earth, meanwhile, raising awareness of this issue among the public. At the same time, this sentence subtly lures the audience to consider today’s energy crisis and consequential global warming, warning the readers about disadvantages of overusing AC.

        To summarize, the author utilizes stylistic language, logical reasoning, and diction associated with negative connotations to convince his readers that Americans should greatly reduce the reliance on air-conditioning. The proposed idea is explained as environmentally friendly and socially beneficial in a long-term perspective. This article aims at leading the readers into reflecting, or better still, acting upon this issue of reducing usage of air-conditioning.

老师,初稿是我计时五十分钟手写的。Word count: 613。我觉得五十分钟时间太紧张,导致我的书面不够工整。 字数要求一般是600 words吗?对字迹有要求吗?如果我没有分析到很突出的写作手法,比如这篇文章有personal anecdote, 那对我的reading 评分有影响吗?写作部分评分,是不是宁可少一些example,也要go into details/ great depth?谢谢老师。
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发表于 2016-12-22 20:52:04 | 显示全部楼层
claudiasat 发表于 2016-12-22 12:15
The magazine article “Viewpoint: Air-conditioning will be the end of us”, is written by Eric Kline ...

The magazine article “Viewpoint:Air-conditioning will be the end of us”, is written by Eric Klinenberg,published on July 23, 2013. (删去)The author mainly introduces anignorable argument about the usage of air-conditioning. Klinenberg suggeststhat Americans need to greatly reduce their reliance or air-conditioning. Theuse of stylistic language, statistic data, and logical reasoning strengthenshis stance on this issue.

Eric Klinenberg utilizes various
type(加s of stylistic language(太空泛,后面可以添加such as metaphor and contrast to persuade his audience to reduce theusage of AC. The author uses metaphor to further emphasize his viewpoint. Heindicates a common phenomenon in the US nowadays, which is “store pumpingarctic air out onto the searing sidewalk in an attempt to lure customers whileburning through fossil fuel in suicidal fashion”. Through the use of metaphorof air-conditioning air versus arctic air, the author criticized suchcommercial strategies as “suicidal”. In addition,(用来衔接另一种修辞手法contrast用的,此处删去) the word “fossil fuel” once againreminds the readers about(注意固定搭配,见首稿) the energy crisis, pollution and unsustainability.Especially when it is adjacent to “arctic” in a sentence, people can easilylink to their common sense that the burning fossil fuel is largely responsiblefor the melting ice in Arctic. Such environmentally damaging phenomenon is caused by over using of AC touches(一个句子不能有两个谓语) the readers’ heartstrings. The authornot only uses literary devices, but also diction for the purpose of solidifyinghis argument. The contrast betweenindoor air, which is “frigid” and outdoor, which is “the steamiest” (具体哪两个对比并没有表述清楚)plays an important role in reinforcingthe whole argument. It manipulates the audience’s mind into thinking about thewaste of energy, persuades the crowd to consider the negative effects of thisdramatic difference, and purposefully warns the audience about the potentialdanger that could be associated with such human activity. Overall, the authorutilizes multiple stylistic language to persuade people to reduce using AC.

The author applies logical reasoning in his article to emphasize his viewpointthat overusing air-conditioning is generally not promotable. In the second andthird paragraph, he started with praising of the advantages of using AC bylisting several benefits, such as “save the lives of old, sick, and frailpeople” and “enhance productivity” to give credit to the positive aspects ofusing AC. However, through the smooth transition that “air-conditioning is madeof hot air”, he shifts the focus to emphasize the disastrous disadvantages ofusing AC in the rest of his passage.
(这个转折有什么好处没有说明)After discussing the disadvantages inthe conclusion, the author appeals to emotion-fear- that people should act“before it’s too late.” In general, the author appears to be knowledgeableabout all the positive aspects; however, he is still suggesting that disadvantagesoutweigh the advantages in the cause of using AC and depleting energy.

        In addition to logical reasoning, the authorprovides the readers statistic data to support his argument that Americans needto greatly reduce the use of air-conditioning.  In the introductionparagraph, he stated that “Today Americans use twice as much energy forair-conditioning as we did 20 years ago”. This statement powerfully introducesthe main reason beneath this article, that using AC is depleting energy onearth, meanwhile, raising awareness of this issue among the public. At the sametime, this sentence subtly lures the audience to consider today’s energy crisisand consequential global warming, warning the readers about disadvantages ofoverusing AC.
(数据使用等的作用见讲义,其实是最好分析的部分,一般放在主体段落一。但是你的分析却很浅,建议记忆常见的分析效果句式,帮助你迅速写作,不要现场去构思,否则会来不及)

        To summarize, the author utilizes stylisticlanguage, logical reasoning, and diction associated with negative connotationsto convince his readers that Americans should greatly reduce the reliance onair-conditioning. The proposed idea is explained as environmentally friendlyand socially beneficial in a long-term perspective. This article aims atleading the readers into reflecting, or better still, acting upon this issue ofreducing usage of air-conditioning.

字数没有硬性规定,但是高分作文肯定要六百多字才能深入透彻地分析。字迹当然是要清楚,否则影响评卷。分析部分肯定是证据最好分析,因为很明显,属于主要信息,分析起来也更容易与主旨相挂钩,否则只能点到,不能深入。至于要分析几个点,一般是三个大的方面,比如证据、论证和修辞。每个主体段落一般举两三个例子,不需要太多。太少则容易字数不够。

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