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发表于 2016-6-2 23:21:03 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
In the passage “Let There Be Dark”, theauthor expressed his abomination toward the abuse of artificial light andoffered thorough exegesis about the irreplaceable value of the darkness. Tobetter convey his perspectives about preserving darkness, the author appliedabundant writing devices, such as contrast, metaphor, statistics and rhetoricalquestions to underpin his statement.
Following systematic ratiocination, theauthor shored up his contention with logical reasoning. In the first paragraph,the author presented a stark contrast between the darkness in the past and thelack of darkness at present. This helped stimulate readers'curiosity about the topic, facilitatingthe author to broach the value of darkness naturally. Then the author presentedthree major reasons to prevail on readers to spare the darkness. Firstly,darkness is closely related to our health and sleep. Secondly, darkness is ofgreat value to the stability of our ecology. Thirdly, darkness shores upspiritual comfort and soulful life. The three parts were closely related toeach other, and together implied the lack of darkness would be pernicious.After that, a scene of our world tarnished by artificial light was showed,appealing to the readers who have already developed awareness to combat lightpollution. In the end, the author suggested viable methods be taken to preservethe darkness. He also recapitulated his main point that light pollution wouldnot be eradicated until we truly realize the value of darkness.
Evidence car make orbreak a passage. It was the prevalent use of evidence that added credibility tothe discussion. To illustrate the lack of darkness can be problematic, theauthor adopted authoritative opinions. In paragraph 3, the author drew from the“World Health Organization” and “American Medical Association” to advocatelight pollution reduction efforts. This added credibility to the argument andprovided the readers with a baseline where they could find logical stance aboutwhy the light pollution was harmful. In this way, the author’s opinion appearedto be more convincing. To explain how the dwindling darkness would affectecology, the author applied statistics. In paragraph 4, the author mentioned “400species of birds”, thereby illustrating how severe pollution can undermine biodiversity,galvanizing the readers understand how a lack of darkness devastates our lifeon a global scale. To admonish the steady expansion of light, the author mentionedthat the amount of light increased an average about “6%”every year. This figureadded credibility to the severity of the lack of darkness.
Apart from evidence, there is no lack of theuse of stylistic language in the article. To illustrate darkness and brightnessare two essential parts of life, the author adopted metaphor in paragraph 2. Bycomparing darkness to a steady rhythm of life, he vividly disclosed how a lackof darkness could be problematic and galvanized the readers to consider thisproblem. In paragraph 4 the author adopted emotional appeal to draw readers’attention. By stating the “ecology would collapse”, the author appealed to thereaders who cherish the environment, thereby swaying readers to agree to his contention.In paragraph 5, by using rhetoric questions “how would Van Gogh have given theworld his “Story Night”, the author underscored that if darkness were deprived,we would not be able to value bountiful masterpieces in art and music. Thesequestions strengthened the emotions and conveyed a sense of urgency to readers,inviting them to preserve the darkness,
In general, it wasthe use of logical reasoning, stylistic language and specific evidence thatmade the prolonged discussion come to life. It also reminds us to value andpreserve darkness in an era full of artificial light.

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发表于 2016-6-3 10:45:51 | 显示全部楼层

In the passage “Let There Be Dark”, the author expressed his abomination toward the abuse of artificial light(用词程度太深,参见文章下面小字,直接表达作者观点即可) and offered thorough exegesis about the irreplaceable value of the darkness. To better convey his perspectives about preserving darkness, the author applied abundant writing devices, such as contrast, metaphor, statistics and rhetorical questions to underpin his statement.

Following systematic ratiocination(?), the author shored up his contention with logical reasoning. In the first paragraph,the author presented a stark contrast between the darkness in the past and the lack of darkness at present. This helped stimulate readers'curiosity about the topic, facilitating the author to broach the value of darkness naturally. Then the author presented three major reasons to prevail on readers to spare(preserve) the darkness. Firstly,darkness is closely related to our health and sleep. Secondly, darkness is of great value to the stability of our ecology. Thirdly, darkness shores up spiritual comfort and soulful life. The three parts were closely related to each other, and together implied the lack of darkness would be pernicious. After that, a scene of our world tarnished by artificial light was showed, appealing to the readers who have already developed awareness to combat light pollution. In the end, the author suggested viable methods be taken删去 to preserve the darkness. He also recapitulated his main point that light pollution would not be eradicated until we truly realize the value of darkness.

Evidence can make or break a passage. It was the prevalent use of evidence that added credibility to the discussion. To illustrate that the lack of darkness can be problematic, the author adopted authoritative opinions. In paragraph 3, the author drew from the“World Health Organization” and “American Medical Association” to advocate light pollution reduction efforts. This added credibility to the argument and provided the readers with a baseline where they could find logical stance about why the light pollution was harmful. In this way, the author’s opinion appeared to be more convincing. To explain how the dwindling darkness would affect ecology, the author applied statistics. In paragraph 4, the author mentioned “400 species of birds”, thereby illustrating how severe pollution can undermine biodiversity, galvanizing the readers to understand how a lack of darkness devastates our life on a global scale. To admonish the steady expansion of light, the author mentioned that the amount of light increased an average about “6%”every year. This figure added credibility to the severity of the lack of darkness.

Apart from evidence, there is no lack of the use of stylistic language in the article. To illustrate darkness and brightness are two essential parts of life, the author adopted metaphor in paragraph 2. By comparing darkness to a steady rhythm of life, he vividly disclosed how a lack of darkness could be problematic and galvanized the readers to consider this problem. In paragraph 4, the author adopted emotional appeal to draw readers’ attention. By stating the “ecology would collapse”, the author appealed to the readers who cherish the environment, thereby swaying readers to agree to his contention.In paragraph 5, by using rhetoric questions “how would Van Gogh have given theworld his “Story Night”, the author underscored that if darkness were deprived,we would not be able to value bountiful masterpieces in art and music. These questions strengthened the emotions and conveyed a sense of urgency to readers,inviting them to preserve the darkness.

In general, it was the use of logical reasoning, stylistic language and specific evidence that made the prolonged discussion come to life. It also reminds us to value andpreserve darkness in an era full of artificial light.

阅读:4分;分析:4分;写作:3分

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 楼主| 发表于 2016-6-3 17:23:05 来自手机 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢批改!请问老师写作方面还应如何改进?
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发表于 2016-6-3 19:22:12 | 显示全部楼层
yangruilinsat 发表于 2016-6-3 17:23
谢谢批改!请问老师写作方面还应如何改进?

存在少量语法错误和用词不当,见批改。录制课程里的写作课有全部学完吗?写作讲义可以复习一下。
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