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(评分4-3-3)新SAT-OG-P506作文-A time to break silence

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发表于 2016-5-7 11:00:26 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
        In Martin Luther King’s article “Beyond Vietnam—A Time to break silence”, he gives three basic reasons to support his argument that he could not be silent about American involvement in the Vietnam War. First, It is a truth universally acknowledged that the war itself is nothing else than devastating the hopes of the poor, but also breaking up their families. Next, the experience of walking among the desperate young men in the ghettoes has given him awareness of the need to speak up against the violence. Finally, the American soul, the motto of his movement for peace, can never be saved so long as it destroys the deepest hope of men the world over. In order to clear his reasons, he has developed valid claims that are backed up with crucial evidence, as well as informative facts, and has been able to properly persuade the readers by appealing to pathos, logos, and other rhetorical strategies.
        The utilization of personal and history example which is relevant to King’s main argument. In the third paragraph, King throwbacks to the time in the ghettos of the North over the last summer, as a personal anecdote to shore up his “reason”, and “moves it to an even deeper level of awareness”. The words “desperate, rejected, and angry” he uses to describe the young men convey the point he establishes in the previous paragraph that how the violence devastating people.  Additionally, King himself as a “preacher by calling”, even though tried hardly to offer his “deepest compassion”, advertising nonviolent action, could not answer their question about Vietnam. These young boys let King realize the truth that he could never again raise his voice against the violence without having first spoken clearly to the government of his own nation, who uses massive doses of violence to bring about the changes it wanted. Not only the personal experience adds credibility to his audience, right after, King refers the motto they chose at the Southern Christian Leadership Conference back in 1957, also establishing the connection between the America’s soul and that of the world. Moreover, in the beginning of the article, King has found the facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle he has been waging in America. Overall, King has strong reasons to speak up for people suffering under the violence.
        In order to highlight his argument and persuade his audience, King also uses repetition as a literacy tool. In the second and third paragraphs, he repeats “I could not be silent”, “I cannot be silent” not only to employ visual intensity to the language, but also to provide his audience with a more accurate depiction of the importance of the need to speak. The repetition adds emotional weight to his audience, tugging at the readers’ heartstrings, and helping readers find the same urgent as he does.He appeals to logos when stating all of his reasons about how violence can devastate people and families, and about why we cannot ignore the present war; but he also appeals to pathos because this article describes why he let all of us involve in this struggle, and how this struggle can affect the health of our land. Throwing examples as “Now, it should be incandescently clear that no one who has any concern for the integrity and life of America today can ignore the present war.”, “So it is those of us who …protest and dissent, working for the health of out land.” persuade the reader as well. With rhetorical strategies, King is clearly able to persuade the reader to stand by his side.
        In this article, King uses many rhetorical devices, informative facts, and crucial evidence to contribute to an exceptionally well written argument. It is his utilization of these practice and more that make this article worthy of recognitIon.

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发表于 2016-5-7 20:47:02 | 显示全部楼层
  In Martin Luther King’s article “Beyond Vietnam—A Time to break silence”, he gives three basic reasons to support his argument that he could not be silent about American involvement in the Vietnam War. First, It is a truth universally acknowledged that the war itself is nothing else than devastating the hopes of the poor, but also breaking up their families. Next, the experience of walking among the desperate young men in the ghettoes has given him awareness of the need to speak up against the violence. Finally, the American soul, the motto of his movement for peace, can never be saved so long as it destroys the deepest hope of men the world over. In order to clear his reasons, he has developed valid claims that are backed up with crucial evidence, as well as informative facts, and has been able to properly persuade the readers by appealing to pathos, logos, and other rhetorical strategies.
       The utilization of personal and history example which is relevant to King’s main argument. (缺谓语)In the third paragraph, King throwbacks to the time in the ghettos of the North over the last summer, as a personal anecdote to shore up his “reason”, and “moves it to an even deeper level of awareness”. The words “desperate, rejected, and angry” he uses to describe the young men convey the point he establishes in the previous paragraph that how the violence devastating people.  Additionally, King himself as a “preacher by calling”, even though tried hardly表意不清 to offer his “deepest compassion”, advertising nonviolent action, could not answer their question about Vietnam. These young boys let King realize the truth that he could never again raise his voice against the violence without having first spoken clearly to the government of his own nation, who uses massive doses of violence to bring about the changes it wanted. Not only the personal experience adds需用助动词does来部分倒装 credibility to his audience, right after, King refers to the motto they chose at the Southern Christian Leadership Conference back in 1957, also establishing the connection between the America’s soul and that of the world. Moreover, in the beginning of the article, King has found the facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle he has been waging in America. Overall, King has strong reasons to speak up for people suffering under the violence.
        In order to highlight his argument and persuade his audience, King also uses repetition as a literacy tool. In the second and third paragraphs, he repeats “I could not be silent”, “I cannot be silent” not only to employ visual intensity to the language, but also to provide his audience with a more accurate depiction of the importance of the need to speak. The repetition adds emotional weight to his audience, tugging at the readers’ heartstrings, and helping readers find the same urgent as he does.He appeals to logos when stating all of his reasons about how violence can devastate people and families, and about why we cannot ignore the present war; but he also appeals to pathos because this article describes why he let all of us involve in this struggle, and how this struggle can affect the health of our land. Throwing examples as “Now, it should be incandescently clear that no one who has any concern for the integrity and life of America today can ignore the present war.”, “So it is those of us who …protest and dissent, working for the health of out land.” persuade the reader as well. With rhetorical strategies, King is clearly able to persuade the reader to stand by his side.
        In this article, King uses many rhetorical devices, informative facts, and crucial evidence to contribute to an exceptionally well written argument. It is his utilization of these practice and more that make this article worthy of recognitIon.
阅读:4分;分析:3分;写作:3分
repetition那个段落分析得很到位,前面一个主体段落到底围绕哪个写作手法?建议总分总的方式修改。没有主体段落三吗?貌似开头段提到很多写作手法。

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 楼主| 发表于 2016-5-8 09:27:22 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 wuchengyusat 于 2016-5-8 09:46 编辑

老师 我第一段想围绕evidence写的 现在我修改了一下:
The utilization of personal and history evidence are relevant to King’s main argument. (缺谓语)In the third paragraph, King throwbacks to the time in the ghettos of the North over the last summer, as a personal anecdote to shore up his “reason”, and “moves it to an even deeper level of awareness”. The words “desperate, rejected, and angry” he uses to describe the young men convey the point he establishes in the previous paragraph that how the violence devastating people.  Additionally, King himself as a “preacher by calling”, even though tried 表意不清 to offer his “deepest compassion”, advertising nonviolent action, could not answer their question about Vietnam. These young boys let King realize the truth that he could never again raise his voice against the violence without having first spoken clearly to the government of his own nation, who uses massive doses of violence to bring about the changes it wanted. Not only does the personal experience add需用助动词does来部分倒装 credibility to his audience, right after, King quotes a historical example which refers to the motto they chose at the Southern Christian Leadership Conference back in 1957, also establishing the connection between the America’s soul and that of the world. Moreover, in the beginning of the article, King has found the facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle he has been waging in America, which sustains his idea as well. Overall, using of these personal and history examples gives the author strong reasons to speak up for people suffering under the violence.
我body段落只写了两段 因为我首段内容写的有点多,第二段写evidence 第三段写修辞,pathos, logos,这样篇幅就跟我平时3个主体段差不多长了 就没再往下写
开头我一共提到 facts, evidence,devices三点 facts是没提到 因为之前不知道应该把上面这段后部分划为evidence合适还是fact合适,
现在我总分总 把那部分算在 historical evidence了 所以开头结尾把informative facts删掉, 这样改的行吗
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发表于 2016-5-8 11:40:41 | 显示全部楼层
首段这样改还是不行,你不能首段当主体段来写,上课说过首段交代中心观点和写作手法即可,必要时添加一两句背景,然后在第二段开始写主体段。参考OG范文写法,一般主体段落有三个。
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发表于 2016-5-8 11:43:25 | 显示全部楼层
比如可以从evidence,emotions(pathos),diction三个方面。
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 楼主| 发表于 2016-5-8 17:52:36 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 wuchengyusat 于 2016-5-8 18:04 编辑

那我刚才发的按照总分总修改的evidence那段 改的可以吗?
还有,主题段落一定要三个吗? 我首段不是当作主题段落写的,只是概括下文章的三个点并没提到具体例子什么的,
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发表于 2016-5-9 22:42:27 | 显示全部楼层
wuchengyusat 发表于 2016-5-8 17:52
那我刚才发的按照总分总修改的evidence那段 改的可以吗?
还有,主题段落一定要三个吗? 我首段不是当作主 ...

首段要简练,不要一大段,很啰嗦。主体段落一般要三段,这样才能把分析全面透彻
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发表于 2016-5-9 22:42:57 | 显示全部楼层
wuchengyusat 发表于 2016-5-8 17:52
那我刚才发的按照总分总修改的evidence那段 改的可以吗?
还有,主题段落一定要三个吗? 我首段不是当作主 ...

那个总分总的修改没问题
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 楼主| 发表于 2016-5-11 09:42:07 | 显示全部楼层
好的老师。谢谢
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