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(评分4-3-3)OG P203 Sample2

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发表于 2017-2-26 12:10:35 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
During the passage“Bag Ban Bad for freedom and Environment”, Adam B. Summers lays arguments tosupport his opinion that plastic grocery bags shouldn’t be banned. In spite ofthis, according to the passage we are clearly informed that the author, who isnot only an environmentalist, but also an open-eye citizen worrying about thenanny-state, did not speak for his benefit.
……require 70 percent less energy to make,generate 80 percent less waste, and utilize less than 4 percent of the amountof water……”, these starting facts with accuratenumbers stormily shock the readers. It convinced the audiences that the cottonor paper bags even cost more to make them than the grocery bags, which means touse cotton or paper bags may be less environmental friendly. It not only appearsthat the author has a broad horizon as he can produce such accurate data fromsomeone who digging in this area, but makes the audience feel in his bones sothat his arguments below will be certainly accepted. However, this is just a slimone that the author place exact data as from the second till the fifthparagraph and even in the seventh and the eighth paragraph, he uses an extremelylarge amount of data like “make up just 0.3 percent of this total”.
“Californiansdodged yet another nanny-state”, the phrases “dodged” and “nanny-state” whichuse irony to increase his voice------the author himself feel lousy about thegovernment caring a lot which are none of their business. And also, the authoralarm reader to avoid being controlled by the nanny-government. By using irony,the author aggressively pace his point of view------The ban of grocery bags is ridiculously,helpless and even less environment-friendly. With his words, it seems that heis sneering at the government and when the readers laugh at this, they willeasily accept the author’s idea.
The thread of thearticle is transparent so that the readers will agree with the author’s opinionafter reading because of getting the main idea without difficulties. Initially,the author exclaims that point out his opinion by saying what happened to theCalifornians recently. Subsequently, the problems which the ban of grocery bagscaused catch the readers’ eye showing that the ban has bad influence towardsthe society. Simultaneously the author produce the data from authoritativeagency to show the environmentalists’ arguments that paper and cotton bags arebetter are fake stories. Eventually, he pointed out that the ban also caused somany people lose their jobs. The arguments are so unassailable that the readerswill convince him.
In shorts, theauthor not only uses powerful evidence but also have unassailable arguments,thus anyone who read the passage will agree with him that the ban of plasticbags is not only unnecessary but also harmful. In that case everyone would not supportthe ban.

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发表于 2017-2-27 11:48:47 | 显示全部楼层
During the passage“Bag Ban Bad for freedom and Environment”, Adam B. Summers lays arguments to support his opinion that plastic grocery bags shouldn’t be banned. In spite of this(指代不清,不如直接删去), according to the passage we are clearly informed that the author, who is not only an environmentalist, but also an open-eye citizen worrying about the nanny-state, did not speak for his benefit.
开头段必须阐明你将从哪三个角度分析,从而引出主体段落一。

……require 70 percent less energy to make,generate 80 percent less waste, and utilize less than 4 percent of the amount of water……”, these starting facts with accurate numbers stormily shock the readers. It convinced the audiences that the cottonor paper bags even cost more to make them than the grocery bags, which means touse cotton or paper bags may be less environmental friendly. It not only appears that the author has a broad horizon as he can produce such accurate data from someone who(定语从句缺谓语) digging in this area, but makes the audience feel in his bones so that his arguments below will be certainly accepted. However, this is just a slim one that the author place exact data as from the second till the fifth paragraph and even in the seventh and the eighth paragraph, he uses an extremely large amount of data like “make up just 0.3 percent of this total”.
主体段落一首句必须点明你这个段的分析角度,而不是上来就直接引用文章。末句才提到用了大量数据,后面却没有跟着展开分析典型数据的作用。

“Californians dodged yet another nanny-state”, (引用你要分析的用词即可,不需要引用两次,建议此处修改为你的分析角度二,即运用了哪些修辞手法来增强作者观点)the phrases “dodged” and “nanny-state” which use  irony to increase his voice------(The author uses "dodged" and "nanny-state" to highlight the statement that...)the author himself feel lousy about the government caring a lot which are none of their business. And(删去) also, the author alarm reader(可数名词不能赤裸出现,需加s) to avoid being controlled by the nanny-government. By using irony,the author aggressively pace his point of view------The ban of grocery bags is ridiculously helpless and even less environment-friendly. With his words, it seems that he is sneering at the government and when the readers laugh at this, they will easily accept the author’s idea.

The thread of the article is transparent(clear) so that the readers will agree with the author’s opinion after reading because of getting the main idea without difficulties. Initially,the author exclaims that point out his opinion by saying what happened to the Californians recently. Subsequently, the problems which the ban of grocery bags caused catch the readers’ eye showing that the ban has bad influence towards the society. Simultaneously the author produce the data from authoritative agency to show the environmentalists’ arguments that paper and cotton bags are better are fake stories. Eventually, he pointed out that the ban also caused somany people lose their jobs. The arguments are so unassailable that the readers will convince him.

In shorts, the author not only uses powerful evidence but also have(与前面的uses不平行,不如改为uses not only powerful evidence such as... but also unassaible arguments...) unassailable arguments,(需改为分号,因为后面的thus是副词,不能连接句子)thus anyone who read the passage will agree with him that the ban of plasticbags is not only unnecessary but also harmful. In that case everyone would not support the ban.

全文439words,建议写到五六百字。每个主体段落可以选用一到两处support分析。
阅读:4分;分析:3分;写作:3分

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