请选择 进入手机版 | 继续访问电脑版
设为首页收藏本站

一起SAT论坛

 找回密码
 立即注册

QQ登录

只需一步,快速开始

更多»
搜索
热搜: 活动 交友 discuz
查看: 630|回复: 3

(评分4-3-3)新SAT OG p506作文

[复制链接]

4

主题

6

帖子

84

积分

付费学员

Rank: 3Rank: 3

积分
84
发表于 2016-5-29 13:41:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
The essay mainly focused on an elaboratediscussion of the war in Vietnam with arguments related to the disastrousimpact brought by the involvement of such a war. While the author expressedsympathy for the struggle and privation of the public in Vietnam, he examinedthe consequences, which are detrimental to the democracy and the whole country,exerted by American interference in the war. He maintained his points that thewar was against equality and the violent actions by his government should beterminated. To better convey his perspectives and to sway his country away fromgetting involved in the war, the author mainly used decent rhetoric,diversified usages of language, substantive evidence and logical reasoning toshore up his statements.

In the beginning of the passage, the authorbroached the discussion of the war in Vietnam from his personal occupation.Through stating “bringing Vietnam into the field of moral consideration, theauthor suggested the avail of the war is inappropriate. Next, he mentioned acomparison between the “shining moment” and the eventual breakdown of themovements in Vietnam and connected this to his struggle in America. The violentcontrast facilitated the author to express his anger and laid an emotionalfoundation for the following thesis. Next, he put forward his reasons which underpinhis conjecture that “the war was an enemy of the poor”. The reasons lurkingbehind the contention were respectively the injustice spelled by themanipulation of the poor and potential danger of addressing problems throughviolence.  After that, he responded tothose who raised doubts toward his involvement in the movement of peace simplydue to his role as a civil rights leader. Through the process, he restated thegoal of his organization was “to save the soul of America”, and then proposed thatthe soul of America could only be salvaged without the interference of the warin Vietnam.

The author exhibited remarkable mastery ofstylistic language in the passage to engage his readers. In paragraph 3, theauthor was deeply shocked by the inclination of the people and thegovernment to address problems with violence . To expresshis chagrin toward his government’s being the “greatest purveyor of theviolence”, the author adopted repetition to strengthen his urgency andaspirations to convince the readers that violence shouldn’t be appliedexcessively and his consideration for the public and international affairs. Italso facilitated the author to appeal to the readers and to warn them against thedanger of violence.  In paragraph 4, inorder to demonstrate the America will never be saved until the true liberationof the slaves, the author adopted metaphor. Shackles were known to deprivepeople’s freedom and render them in agony. By comparing the liberation ofslaves to their losing from shackles, the author wished to emphasize thatconsiderable pain had been exerted on the slaves. He called for attention tothe manipulation of the poor and thereby demonstrated the involvement ofAmerican government in the Vietnam War would be unjust. To enhance readers' comprehension to his points and galvanize them to react, the author used emotional appeal in paragraph 2. By depicting the tragic scene of the unfair dispatch of black young men to remote places, the author chastised the unjust of involvement of the war with acerbity.

Apart from distinguished use of stylisticlanguage, the author introduced evidence to add credibility to his argument. Toillustrate prevalent awareness of solving problems through violent means, theauthor used his anecdote in ghettoes of the North. The reply of the young mensparked concerns to the author and made him reflect the attitude towardviolence of American government. This experience added credibility to theargument and helped the author to shore up his concern to the afflictionsuffered by the people brought by the violence of American government.

In general, the use of stylistic language,specific evidence outstanding writing techniques made the prolonged discussioncame to life. Harkening back to the suffering brought by violence, we shouldalso pay more attention to injustice brought by the war toward different groupsof people. We should also realize, through the author’s argument, that theengagement of America in the Vietnam war is highly unjust both for the blackyoung men dispatched and for the victims suffered from the violence.

回复

使用道具 举报

166

主题

296

帖子

1万

积分

管理员

Rank: 9Rank: 9Rank: 9

积分
10953
发表于 2016-5-29 16:29:11 | 显示全部楼层
The essay mainly focused on an elaborated discussion of the war in Vietnam with arguments related to the disastrous impact brought by the involvement of such a war. (首句建议以主谓宾方式开门见山说观点,这样写太绕了,,或者直接删去)While the author expressed sympathy for the struggle and privation of the public in Vietnam, he examined the consequences, which are detrimental to the democracy and the whole country,exerted by American interference in the war(删去). He maintained his points that the war was against equality and the violent actions by his government should be terminated. To better convey his perspectives and to sway his country away fromgetting involved in the war, the author mainly used decent rhetoric,diversified usages of language, substantive evidence and logical reasoning to shore up his statements.
首段简化为“主旨+写作手法”,具体细节在主体段展开说明。

In the beginning of the passage, the author broached the discussion of the war in Vietnam from his personal occupation(a preacher).Through stating “bringing Vietnam into the field of moral consideration, the author suggested the avail of the war is inappropriate. Next, he mentioned a comparison between the “shining moment” and the eventual breakdown of the movements in Vietnam and connected this to his struggle in America. The violent contrast facilitated the author to express his anger and laid an emotional foundation for the following thesis. Next, he put forward his reasons which underpinhis conjecture that “the war was an enemy of the poor”. The reasons lurking behind the contention were respectively the injustice spelled by themanipulation of the poor and potential danger of addressing problems throughviolence.  After that, he responded to those who raised doubts toward his involvement in the movement of peace simplydue to his role as a civil rights leader. Through the process, he restated the goal of his organization was “to save the soul of America”, and then proposed that the soul of America could only be salvaged without the interference of the war in Vietnam.

The author exhibited remarkable mastery of stylistic language in the passage to engage his readers. (首句直接点明你要分析哪些修辞手法)In paragraph 3, the author was deeply shocked by the inclination of the people and the government to address problems with violence . To express his chagrin toward his government’s being the “greatest purvey or of the violence”, the author adopted repetition(需具体指出哪里使用,什么内容) to strengthen his urgency and aspirations to convince the readers that violence shouldn’t be applied excessively and his consideration for the public and international affairs. It also facilitated the author to appeal to the readers and to warn them against the danger of violence.  In paragraph 4, in order to demonstrate the America will never be saved until the true liberation of the slaves, the author adopted metaphor. Shackles were known to deprive people’s freedom and render them in agony. By comparing the liberation ofslaves to their losing from shackles, the author wished to emphasize that considerable pain had been exerted on the slaves. He called for attention tothe manipulation of the poor and thereby demonstrated the involvement ofAmerican government in the Vietnam War would be unjust. To enhance readers' comprehension to his points and galvanize them to react, the author used emotional appeal in paragraph 2. By depicting the tragic scene of the unfair dispatch of black young men to remote places, the author chastised the unjust of involvement of the war with acerbity.

Apart from distinguished use of stylistic language, the author introduced evidence to add credibility to his argument. To illustrate prevalent awareness of solving problems through violent means, the author used his anecdote in ghettoes of the North. The reply of the young mensparked concerns to the author and made him reflect the attitude toward violence of American government. This experience added credibility to the argument and helped the author to shore up his concern to the affliction suffered by the people brought by the violence of American government.此段可与前一段stylistic elements合并。并另起一段写evidence的使用

In general, the use of stylistic language,specific evidence and outstanding writing techniques made the prolonged discussion came(come) to life. Harkening back to the suffering brought by violence, we should also pay more attention to injustice brought by the war toward different groups of people. We should also realize, through the author’s argument, that the engagement of America in the Vietnam war is highly unjust both for the blackyoung men dispatched and for the victims suffered from the violence.

本文用词高级且多样,但是句式缺乏多样,建议用倒装句、强调句或虚拟语气等。
阅读:4分;分析:3分;写作:3分

回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

4

主题

6

帖子

84

积分

付费学员

Rank: 3Rank: 3

积分
84
 楼主| 发表于 2016-5-29 16:37:58 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢老师批改!请问分析的方面还可以怎么改进呢?
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

166

主题

296

帖子

1万

积分

管理员

Rank: 9Rank: 9Rank: 9

积分
10953
发表于 2016-5-31 17:12:11 | 显示全部楼层
yangruilinsat 发表于 2016-5-29 16:37
谢谢老师批改!请问分析的方面还可以怎么改进呢?

分析有三个步骤:识别,然后指出哪里用到该写作手法(直接引用或自己总结),第三步是分析该写作手法对读者的影响,以及发展作者观点的帮助。你缺乏后面两步骤。
回复 支持 反对

使用道具 举报

您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册 一键登录: 更多»

本版积分规则

QQ|权利声明|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|一起SAT论坛 ( 闽ICP备16038975号  

GMT+8, 2018-1-17 05:00 , Processed in 0.169515 second(s), 30 queries .

Powered by Discuz! X3.2

© 2001-2013 Comsenz Inc.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表